I'm Alive!

Hey there! Just wanted to remind everyone about this sweet little blog and say I am still alive. Life has been hectic, so very hectic and I struggle to find the time to blog. But I took this weekend to catch up on some things and I am hopeful to return to the blogging world soon. Here is what I will write about:

Our new home
Kyle and I going to Mexico
Me going to Napa
Weaning a booby baby
and of course, Sam

Stay tuned, I promise to return very soon!

1 Year

Sam,

One incredible year of your life is in the books. As I write this, we are sitting on the front porch of our beautiful new home while you sleep in your stroller (you rarely stay asleep this long but you graduated from swim school this morning so you are tuckered out). I look at you with such loving eyes that it almost confuses me. How can you love someone so much that you almost don't know how to appropriately manage your emotions? That is exactly how I feel about you. My love for you is endless.

I know every detail of your tiny body and I remember staring at you in the hospital, drinking in every detail of your brand new existence in my world. You only knew that you needed me and I knew that I had waited my entire life to hold you and nurture you. Becoming a mother for the first time is an eye opening experience. You prepare, you dream, you imagine what life will be like, what your baby will look like, how you will dress them up and take them places while people ooh and ahh over your tiny creature and then bam! It happens in one quick second that you are no longer inside of my body and now you need to grow outside. And I am responsible for you. I was prepared for all of this. But I wasn't prepared for how much I would love you. How the term "momma bear" is frighteningly true when you think your child is in danger or hurting.

You have grown and learned so much this past year. You went from being a helpless, tiny, crying baby to a {somewhat} independent, slightly larger than {tiny}, smiling {but still crying} toddler. You are fierce. And crazy. And loving. And determined. So very determined. You know what you want and you are going to get it. Most of the time that means my boob and you are still getting that so looks like to jokes on me. You love hard and I am thrilled that I am often on the receiving end of your love.

You are so funny. You love to laugh and you love to act silly. You walk around making monkey noises and shaking your arms about. You love to play peek-a-boo and you have recently found it to be hilarious to smack me across the face. We're working on not doing that.

Your smile makes me feel like my heart might burst and I could hear you cry even in the loudest room. I am forever changed by your existence. I could stare into your beautiful blue eyes forever and kiss your soft cheeks endlessly. I sometimes just hold you so close while you sleep because I know these moments will one day be a distant memory and I need to just lose myself in them right now.

I could go on for many virtual pages about my love for you. I could describe in detail how you have changed my life. Your dad and I were ready for you but I don't know that either one of us was prepared for the drastic change your presence would bring in our daily lives. And you often hear people say "I don't remember life before baby" which is funny because I do remember my life before you but I don't miss that life. I want to be tired and frazzled and silly and constantly picking you up because that means I get to be with you. I get to be your mom and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I want to watch you grow into a confident, funny, humble, loving, happy little boy. Followed by a respectful, kind, thoughtful young man. I want you to know we will always love you. We will encourage you, support you, discipline you and teach you right from wrong even if it is the hard thing to do. You are important enough to be raised right. Your story has only just begun.

I will love you forever, Sam.
                                                                                                                          

What I've Learned in 12 Months

Coming in just shy of 13 months here but give me a break. I'm busy! And anytime I am on my computer it is to do some silly work stuff (or buy something on Amazon). So..here we go, my last installment of "What I've Learned".

1. Personal Party 

You will take your baby's first birthday party very personal! While I didn't go all out on decor, food, gifts, I did spend a lot of time thinking of what I wanted to do with decorations and what food I wanted to serve. I kept it fairly simple and went with a primary colors theme, served sandwiches and sides and some booze. But I was more excited for his birthday party than I had been for any party in quite some time. And you feel extremely grateful for anyone that shows up to help celebrate your little one! 

2. You still don't figure it out 

1 year of Sam only kind of being into toys and I am still purchasing him new toys. I just bought him a new grill on Tuesday on Amazon. He would much rather play with a cardboard box or a bottle of Zyrtec that sounds like a maraca but let's spend more money on more toys. 

3. Hair? 

Do I give him his first hair cut or do I let his adorable red mullet grow? Million dollar question, you guys. 

4. You might not be ready...

to stop nursing. Sam is not ready, I might be a little more ready than him but I still enjoy it that time so much. Plus, he is super crazy and it is sometimes (most times) my only way to calm him. 

5. Survival mode 

You may think that it gets easier (and it does) but you are still in such survival mode in so many ways. Sam is mobile, determined and head strong. He knows what he wants and he will let you know. I spend most of my time trying to either keep him entertained while I get ready for work or just rushing around like a mad woman while he cries so I can finish something. I am completely disorganized and most of the time have no clue how I make it look like I am functioning but somehow I continue to do it. 

6. Unexpected 

You feel connected to the most unexpected people. Motherhood can make you carry on a conversation with the most random person and somehow feel like you are actually friends. I haven't made any new "mommy" friends but I find myself talking to other mothers in a more meaningful way.

7. Choking

There will be a choking incident, possibly in public, that will absolutely terrify you. And he still hasn't had even the tiniest bite of bacon since that.

This past year has been such a wonderful, joyous, trying, unforgettable time in my life. I feel like I have so many thousands more things I could have added to these blogs! But I also left 3 things in my cart when I checked out at Target last week so I am not exactly on my game like I used to be :) 

20 lbs 

31.25 inches 

"Mothers and their children are in a category all their own. There is no bond so strong in the entire world. No love so instantaneous and forgiving." ~ Gail Tsukiyama

What I've Learned in 11 Months

11 months. Are we really down to less than 1 month until the big 1 year? Ok, I might cry about it so let's focus on this past month of Sam. It was a doozy!

1. You will survive a move

In case you haven't heard, we bought a new house! Holla! Right after Sam turned 10 months, we put our house on the market and 2 days later we had our first offer and we accepted the offer 3 short days after putting it on the market. A few days later, we put in an offer on our new home. All happened within 1 week. 1 week! Between rushing out of the house for showings, packing our home after the sale, and purging items from our attic/garage we barely made it out alive! Sam won't remember the home that he started his life in but Kyle and I will always have fond memories there. Kyle proposed in the kitchen, we started our married life there and brought home our first tiny baby. But it was time to move and we are so happy in our new (bigger, better!) home. Here is our new home:

2. Shoes

I am learning that Sam needs shoes now that he is walking. I never put him in shoes before he was walking because they always came off and I tried to not spend the money (I did buy one adorable pair of navy blue loafers that he wore twice). Now, I forget that he needs shoes when we leave the house or go outside. Thank goodness his Grammy took him shopping for new some new kicks so he doesn't have Walmart feet from walking through Target with bare feet.

3. Shelf Grabbing

I took Sam to Target (shoes and all. Oh wait, except I forgot the diaper bag!) so I had no snacks to keep him entertained during the trip. Sam hates being confined to a car seat, basket, the stroller is acceptable on certain occasions, only to be determined by Sam. After letting him tear through the baby section, putting his shoes back on 25 times, I beelined for the food section, grabbed a box of strawberry Nutrigrain bars off the shelf and tore open a bar and let him eat one. He liked it until he didn't like it (Sam is a complicated little one) and then he started rubbing the sugary pink strawberry goo in his hair. Oh I can just wipe that out with a wipe.....no diaper bag. We made it to the check out line with goo all over both of us, 1 shoe on (him not me) and 2 packages of diapers- different sizes. Now I get to make a trip back to Target to return the diapers and possibly the opened box of Nutrigrain (kidding, kind of).

4. Doggies

Sam loves his Sophie girl but he loves to love too hard. Ear pulling, toenail yanking, tackling. Sophie is great with him but there are times that she can't take it anymore and she tells him. I watch him closely with her because you never know what can happen. And I love that Sam isn't afraid of animals but that means I also have to watch him around strange dogs because he will happily give any dog a hug.

5. Rompers

Rompers are still acceptable at this age. I love them and I refuse to give them up quite yet. I plan on letting him wear them through the summer and then will have to retire them.

"Don't be like the rest of them, darling." - Coco Chanel 

Sam's Easter Mini Session

Sam is a funny guy. He is a real crack up at home. Laughing, smiling, playing peek a boo. But when a professional pulls out her camera, he's all business. Really makes them earn their pay by not cracking a smile. For Sam's latest session, we used Sara Eaton Photography. I love her natural lighting and her closest of outfits for babies! Hopefully next time he won't be so stingy with the smiles.

What I've Learned in 10 Months

Spring has arrived and Sam is now 10 months old! Here is what I have learned in 10 months:

1. Snacks will be a food group

At some point, your healthy little eater will stop eating baby food, will push organic food pouches out of his face and only eat french fries, string cheese, or yogurt melts. Tonight I offered him a food pouch, an apple, shredded cheese, zucchini, peas, carrots. He basically pushed it all over the counter and then just intentionally dropped it on the floor. He ended up eating about 5,000 bites of Kyle's pizza after all my healthy efforts. Whatever.

2. Forgetfulness

I used to remember everything. Mostly. And then I had a child and forgot to get my 9 year old niece a birthday gift.

3. Sleeping

You will start to wonder if your child will ever sleep through the night.

4. Mourning

You will realize that the big "1 year" birthday will be approaching. Quickly. Maybe it's the double digit sticker you put on his onesie. Maybe it the days ticking by on the calendar. Maybe it the "i am one" shirt you bought on Etsy and then cried about.

5. Trip

You will start planning your first baby free trip for a friends wedding in Mexico and have a slight panic attack. I changed the days from 3 to 2 on Expedia, picked the lastest flight out, earliest flight home and then panicked again and just shut the computer.

6. All Natural

I spent $6.99 on a bag of all-natural chicken nuggets at Reasor's. The bag maybe has 15 nuggets in it. But the child won't have anything to do with wholesome, nutrient packed baby food so I had to feed him something.

7. You will think 7:30pm is late 

It actually didn't take me 10 months to figure this out. Sam has started sleeping about 2 hrs in his crib when I first put him to bed (sometimes less, never more) and the key to that is a perfectly timed bedtime and a not exhausted mother. That means going to dinner with our friends at 7:30 on a Friday night ain't happening. And it it does, it feels like 3am when you get home at 9pm and still have to put a baby to bed. I remember not eating until 8pm on Friday night & then drinking at a bar until 2. We stayed up until 11:30 last night & I almost died. My body barely makes it past 10 these days. 

8. Speaking of sleeping...

Sam slept a decent stretch in his crib last week. Yay, or so you would think. I laid in bed, wide awake looking at the monitor every minute or so. The minute he woke up, I went to his room, picked him up and brought him to our bed. I was asleep in less than 3 min. I'm pathetic. And I can't help but laugh at myself. 

What I've Learned in 9 months

Sam has now been living outside of my body for as long as he was inside of my body. I remember thinking that he would be such a fun, crazy, energetic baby at 9 months. I am very rarely wrong (ask my husband!) and I was certainly not wrong about Sam. He is a very energetic, busy baby! Here are some things I have learned in 9 months:

1. He will have a snotty nose

You know that kid you've seen running around with snot dripping down his face. And sometimes that snot is radioactive green. And you think "Ewwww gross, wipe that nose!" Well, believe me you will wipe that nose and then go to throw out that tissue and when you turn around it will be dripping out all over again and inevitable someone will be looking at him at that moment.

2. Choking on something

You will cut up his food, maybe even put it in the food processor but he will still find a way to gag/choke on a cracker and you will start to panic about halfway into the 3rd gag. And then he will hack it up..all over you.

4. Date night still feels weird

9 months old and it still feels very strange to be without him.

5. Husband out of town will be weird

I used to roll my eyes at women that said they couldn't sleep well when their other half was out of town. And then I got married and slept in the same bed as Kyle every night and I started to understand it. And now when Kyle is out of town and it is time to go to bed in the house all by myself with Sam and its dark and cold and scary, I just really wish I had my husband home. This past month Kyle was gone and Sophie stood at the front door and barked incessantly making me think someone was outside and it freaked me out! I locked all the doors and set the alarm at 7pm and had to turn it off/on every time I let Sophie out to pee.

6. Feeling genuinely needed/loved by your baby

When Sam was a baby, he needed me to survive. He still needs me in that way but it is changing every month. He needs me to fall asleep (I know, I know...sleep train him...shut it!), he needs me to help him learn how to work his new toys, he needs me. He loves me. He is so happy when I come home from being gone. He is always just so thrilled to have me around.

7. Snow Days

While other moms might dread snow days because there little crazies will be trapped in the house all day, I crave them. A day in the middle of the week to just stay home and play with my baby...yes please! Thankfully I have been getting a few of these lately!

8. They will learn things

Sam is starting to actually learn things that I teach him. Such as giving a kiss, waving, peek a boo.
We are currently working on high fives, and saying "bye bye". It is unbelievably rewarding to see them master something!

18 lbs and 28.75 inches
"A person's a person, no matter how small." - Dr. Seuss 

Stop Judging Me

Get ready, this post won't be pretty. 

To the countless people that tell me "cry it out is the best way to get him to sleep through the night", please please please stop. My child is not your child. My child screams bloody murder & sobs and I didn't bring a child into this world to let him cry himself to sleep alone in a dark room. It worked for you but it might not be the right choice for us. I have made a very conscious effort to not complain about sleep deprivation (my husband is exempt) because I know complaining opens me up to your unsolicited advice. So for the last time, stop telling me to let him CIO. 

To the women 2 tables over at the restaurant looking at us repeatedly. Yes, Sam is eating rice (basically just making a mess) & {gasp} watching some silly Fisher Price app that he loves. Sam doesn't love many things (sleep, car seat, his father during bedtime are not at the top of his list) but he loves this cute, little app. Colorful, dancing animals bounce around to music...what's not to love? Anyway, please stop judging me. I never thought I would be the mom that had a baby watching an iPad in a sushi restaurant but then I had a baby so here's to not having a clue what you're doing. Thank you, ipad, for 10 min of "shoveling sushi in my face" time. 

To the old(er) lady at the park, mall, Quiktrip, etc that says (as she touches Sam's feet) "mommy needs to put some socks on you!" Look lady, it's 65 & sunny and he's riding around in a hot box car seat in a black SUV. He's good. And he's unfortunately much like his mother- hot natured. 

To the random chick sitting next to me at dinner, shut up. It started out nicely: she commented on how cute Sam was (duh!) and then said she had a 9 month old at home. After a few glasses of wine, we ended up sharing stories of having breech babies. But instead of just listening to mine, she got all judgy. You see, she's a chiropractor so she automatically assumed she knew my  sitch (that's slang for situation- I'm feeling saucy tonight). Yes, I had a c-section (which I was none too thrilled about) but I wasn't induced by my doctor or pressured or taking the easy way out. I wanted to push that little bugger out but he had different plans. Also, HE (the big man upstairs) had different plans. And I'm ok with it now. She said several things that pissed me off: I shouldn't have had a c-section, my doc should have let me go to 40 weeks and done an ECV to try to turn him, I am an excellent VBAC candidate (thank you, chiro but I'll decide that) and my fave- if I was determined enough to have a vaginal birth, it would have happened. Here's an easy rule to live by: don't judge someone else's birth story/choice. I never dreamed I would have a c-section. Ever. Never. And it happened. And I lived. And that stupid chiro next to me had an ECV at 39 weeks, baby flipped and she had her dream vaginal birth. And we are both good mothers with different birth stories. Stop judging me, chiro girl (whose name is also Heather). 

To the woman today that commented on Sam's red, swollen eyes and said "you know green snot means infection." Actually it doesn't. And I called the pediatrician and he couldn't fit us in today. And the nurse never called me back. And actually I feel terrible that his eyes are gunky but he's not running a fever, in a good mood & I'll take him to the doc on Monday. Zip it or I'll smear his green snot on your face. 

There are a few more I could write about but I had a great date with my husband tonight & honestly this blog is killing my good vibes. Just be nice to others. We are all doing our best. 

Peace and Love (as my hippie Montana sister-in-law would say). 

What I've Learned in 8 Months

I decided I should write this post before Sam turns 9 months so here goes: 

1. You won't relax on vacation 

Remember the days when you went to the beach with a book, that oil spray to increase your chances of getting a tan, and a bluetooth speaker? Well, replace that with 30 prep time for swim diaper, non-toxic 50spf sunscreen and sound machine in case he decides to sleep on the beach. Yeah, sooooo relaxing. 

2. You will buy baby food and it will be a waste 

Sam loved baby food at first. He never ate enough to finish a whole pouch or plastic carton but he was all about it. Now? Get that baby spoon outta that gunk and just give me what's on your plate. Lately I have been throwing out opened baby food because I am still trying to see what/when he will eat it. 

3. You miss things 

I have missed a few events that I never anticipated missing. Sick baby, exhausted mother, Kyle not home from work so no one to watch the baby. Sometimes you just miss things. 

4. One day does not equal everyday 

One day Sam napped in his crib like a champ. The next? Cried every single time his little red head hit the mattress. Sam is very consistent about not being consistent. I am constantly trying new things because nothing ever works long term. Except the boob, he never tires of the boob. 

5. Momma 

He said it, I swear he did. And my mother in law heard it. 

6. Doggies

Having a little fur companion for Sam has been so great. Sophie loves him and he loves crawling after her and trying to tear her ears off. 

7. There will be a blowout 

My mom (thank the Lord she was with me) and I were eating. I mentioned he hadn't pooped. I saw it as we were walking out of the restaurant. It. was. everywhere. That poor bathroom will never be the same. 

8. You will hear the laughter

But you won't know the context. So many times I have been in the other room, upstairs, etc nursing Sam or putting him to sleep while everyone else goes about their bizness. We were recently on vacation and every night I went upstairs to put Sam to bed and the party continued without me. One night I took a Corona with me so I could feel like I was included. It can be hard to feel like you are missing out but I know my presence is still there and in these moments, I am simply being a mother. 

Happy 8 months, you tiny ball of energy. 

I never knew I could do so much. 

Oh, and Amazon Prime. Get it.