1 Year

Sam,

One incredible year of your life is in the books. As I write this, we are sitting on the front porch of our beautiful new home while you sleep in your stroller (you rarely stay asleep this long but you graduated from swim school this morning so you are tuckered out). I look at you with such loving eyes that it almost confuses me. How can you love someone so much that you almost don't know how to appropriately manage your emotions? That is exactly how I feel about you. My love for you is endless.

I know every detail of your tiny body and I remember staring at you in the hospital, drinking in every detail of your brand new existence in my world. You only knew that you needed me and I knew that I had waited my entire life to hold you and nurture you. Becoming a mother for the first time is an eye opening experience. You prepare, you dream, you imagine what life will be like, what your baby will look like, how you will dress them up and take them places while people ooh and ahh over your tiny creature and then bam! It happens in one quick second that you are no longer inside of my body and now you need to grow outside. And I am responsible for you. I was prepared for all of this. But I wasn't prepared for how much I would love you. How the term "momma bear" is frighteningly true when you think your child is in danger or hurting.

You have grown and learned so much this past year. You went from being a helpless, tiny, crying baby to a {somewhat} independent, slightly larger than {tiny}, smiling {but still crying} toddler. You are fierce. And crazy. And loving. And determined. So very determined. You know what you want and you are going to get it. Most of the time that means my boob and you are still getting that so looks like to jokes on me. You love hard and I am thrilled that I am often on the receiving end of your love.

You are so funny. You love to laugh and you love to act silly. You walk around making monkey noises and shaking your arms about. You love to play peek-a-boo and you have recently found it to be hilarious to smack me across the face. We're working on not doing that.

Your smile makes me feel like my heart might burst and I could hear you cry even in the loudest room. I am forever changed by your existence. I could stare into your beautiful blue eyes forever and kiss your soft cheeks endlessly. I sometimes just hold you so close while you sleep because I know these moments will one day be a distant memory and I need to just lose myself in them right now.

I could go on for many virtual pages about my love for you. I could describe in detail how you have changed my life. Your dad and I were ready for you but I don't know that either one of us was prepared for the drastic change your presence would bring in our daily lives. And you often hear people say "I don't remember life before baby" which is funny because I do remember my life before you but I don't miss that life. I want to be tired and frazzled and silly and constantly picking you up because that means I get to be with you. I get to be your mom and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I want to watch you grow into a confident, funny, humble, loving, happy little boy. Followed by a respectful, kind, thoughtful young man. I want you to know we will always love you. We will encourage you, support you, discipline you and teach you right from wrong even if it is the hard thing to do. You are important enough to be raised right. Your story has only just begun.

I will love you forever, Sam.