Tears

you guys, i'm so tired. i can't even capitalize. i read this article earlier today and was exactly what i needed to hear. sam hasn't been sleeping well for about a month. it feels like an eternity. i cannot remember the last time i slept more than 3 hrs. shoot, i would buzz my hair off right now to get 3 hrs. i keep trying to stay positive and know that is won't always be this way but there are times that i feel like i am drowning. today i worked from home and i was hoping that sam would take at least one good nap. he slept terribly last night so i really needed it. nope, he woke up super early this morning and then at 1pm, he had only taken 2 less than 45 min naps. woke up crying each time. i won't go into cry it out vs pick him up immediately right now (basically because my brain is too tired) but i am in the in between phase of going to him & letting him fuss for a bit. it feels like nothing is working. 

days like today make me hate working. i don't feel like my head is in the game anyway and then you break me down with no sleep and i snap. i got almost everything completed today that was on my list. and then kyle called and said we had some friends that wanted us to go to dinner and then to their house after. i said i couldn't do it, i'm too tired. and then the tears started. 

i know this won't last forever. and i know that i'm doing my best. and i know that i won't remember how i felt like i could break at any moment. but in this moment, it feels so overwhelming. it makes me want to turn all the lights out and just hibernate in my home. it makes me not want to see anyone. it makes me want to eat whatever i can find in the house and then regret that i ate nothing nutritious and feel lazy because i do not have one single ounce left for exercising. the last paragraph of the article i linked earlier is spot on. 

so right now i am going to enjoy sam's soft baby thighs and kiss his sweet tiny face and know that one day when we both sleep 5 hrs, we will wake up and look at each other laugh about how mommy cried when she was so tired.